The turkey sandwich sat, golden-brown and dripping, on the counter like a juicy target. Biscuit, my poodle of dubious moral fiber, nose-wiggled closer, eyes locked on the condiment parade. I flicked mustard onto the bread—*schtick*—and suddenly, chaos. A blur of…
Maggie stood in her garage, surrounded by a labyrinth of duct tape, empty cereal boxes, and a defunct lawnmower. Her latest project? A 12-foot-tall sculpture called *The Great Garage Gargantua*. ‘This will be the talk of the neighborhood,’ she declared,…
Kevin stared at the printer, its red light blinking like a dying heart. He’d tried everything—rebooting, poking the paper tray, even whispering encouragement. Nothing worked. Then he spotted the error message: “Paper jam.” He opened the back, only to find…
Frank stood in front of the mirror, shouting, “I am confident!” His sock was on backwards, but he didn’t notice. At work, his boss, Ms. Grumble, barked, “Frank, your report is a disaster!” Frank smiled. “I am brilliant!” he declared.…
Marla stood in her living room, phone held aloft like a sacred relic, as she attempted the “Lil Twister Challenge.” The internet had declared this dance the next big thing—a series of rapid spins followed by a dramatic collapse. Marla’s…
Marla stood at her stove, spatula in hand, staring at a blackened pancake that looked like a charred spaceship. The recipe had promised ‘golden brown perfection,’ but her pan was more of a crime scene. She muttered, ‘I just wanted…
Marge squeezed the last glob of glue onto her DIY garden gnome, which now resembled a disgruntled teapot with legs. “There!” she declared, patting the crooked figure. Her neighbor, Ted, peered over the fence, squinting at the thing. “That’s not…
Gary stared at the jar, its lid welded shut by 10 years of resentment. He tried the “twist and yell” method, then borrowed his neighbor’s sledgehammer. After 23 minutes, the lid finally popped off—only to whack him in the forehead,…
Every morning, Gary repeated, “I am capable,” to his squeaky office chair. One day, the chair wheeled itself to the printer, dropping a stack of papers with a resounding *thud*. Gary stared. “You’re welcome,” the chair seemed to say. “I…
Kevin stared at his phone, fingers twitching like a caffeinated squirrel. The TikTok dance trend of the summer—”The Floss Slide”—had taken over his life. His bedroom wall was now a shrine of sticky notes with lyrics scribbled in permanent marker.…