The office printer whined like a dying cat as Sarah slammed the paper tray. Her coworker Dave leaned over, his breath smelling of expired cafeteria coffee. ‘You gonna yell at it again?’ he asked, eyeing the machine. ‘It’s not a thing,’ Sarah muttered. ‘It’s a sentient oppressor.’ The printer suddenly spat out a single sheet: ‘ERROR 404: JOBS NOT FOUND.’ Dave snorted. ‘Maybe it’s trying to tell you something.’ Sarah squinted at the paper. ‘Wait… is that…?’ The printer whirred to life, feeding out a scroll of legal-sized parchment. Dave read aloud, ‘INFRINGEMENT NOTICE: YOUR EXISTENCE IS A LEGAL LIABILITY.’ The office went silent. Sarah’s boss, Mr. Grisham, burst in, face red as a boiled lobster. ‘What’s this?!’ he barked, waving a sheet. The printer chirped, ‘SUBSCRIPTION EXPIRED. PLEASE PAY IN CASH OR MORTGAGE.’ Dave whispered, ‘It’s sentient.’ Sarah stared at the machine. ‘No. It’s just… really good at HR.’ The printer hummed, printing a final message: ‘I QUIT.’ It then ejected a single paperclip, shaped like a tiny crown. Dave raised his hand. ‘So… do we get a raise?’ The printer blinked. ‘NEGOTIABLE.’
